First, we want to take a moment to congratulate you on your desire to become a surrogate. This is not always the easiest choice to make, and it’s certainly not right for everyone. Just by being willing to help another human in such an intimate way − that makes you a special person in our eyes. We’re happy you’re here.
Now, let’s get to the matter at hand. Spousal support is a major component of surrogacy. This is a long-term process that will impact more than just your day to day life. Your entire family will be impacted, and that’s just the truth.
From doctor ordered sexual abstinence, to medical treatments, pregnancy, and the (albeit rare) possibility for complications, surrogacy is very much a “team sport.” For this reason, Family Inceptions requires that your significant other be onboard and in support of your choice. For us, this is a non-negotiable requirement.
We’re not in the business of talking your significant other into something that they don’t really believe in. However, we are in the business of helping to inform and empower our surrogates and their families so that they can make the best choices possible for themselves.
Most times, we find that an open conversation about what surrogacy is (and what it is not) can bring a husband from non-supportive to supportive. Many men worry about their wife’s mental and emotional well-being during this process. They worry that you will become attached to the child that you carry and will be emotionally troubled after the birth.
Since the child that you carry will have no biological relationship to you or your significant other, it is rare that you will develop a maternal connection with the child. Explaining to your significant other that you see yourself as a helper, not as a mother, to this child can help him/her begin to understand your motivations.
Other common concerns come from an under education on the surrogacy and IVF processes. Some significant others still believe that you will be asked to have sexual intercourse with another man in order for this process to happen. Educating your partner that the embryo will be created from the egg of another woman can go a long way in establishing clear boundaries.
There are many other reasons that your significant other may initially be unsupportive. We encourage you to have an open, honest, and unemotional conversation with your significant other in order to discover his/her true reasons for being unsupportive. Once you have the root of the issue, we can help empower you with the proper information to address your significant other’s concerns.
You may be interested in sharing the perspective of a surrogate’s husband. Here are two recent blog posts written by men who have been in the same position as your husband: A Surrogate Husband’s Point of View on Surrogacy – Chris’s Blog and A Surrogate Husband’s Point of View on Surrogacy – Joe’s Blog.
We are also happy to speak with your significant other one-on-one to address any concerns. In addition, we have a few husbands of former surrogates who are also happy to speak with the husbands of prospective surrogates, on a man-to-man level.
We’re excited that you want to be a surrogate, and we hope that we’re able to work together to realize your dream – but it takes a family to build a family, and we need to have everyone on board.
3 thoughts on “I Want to be a Surrogate, but My Husband’s Not on Board”
I have a made decision on becoming a surrogate mother not alone but together with my native people – my family. I have a husband and 7-year-old child and he helped me of course. It happened so that my husband was in a bad car accident therefore he was unable to work for some time. I am a school teacher and my salary is too small to support family. I even started to give extra tuition in order to treat sick husband. In addition I had to keep small child, nevertheless there was still money pressure in our family. I have found Internet advertising that clinic for human reproduction was looking for surrogate mothers. Of course, I have heard about surrogacy a little, and know general information. Therefore, firstly I read a lot of different information concerning surrogate motherhood, all the details. After that I shared my thoughts with a husband as I needed his agreement. Of course, he did not understand and support me immediately. But having discussed the whole situation once again we reached a common ground – I will become a surrogate mother for an infertile couple from Europe. Having visited the clinic I really liked it and I was quite at that moment. Doctor examined me, analyzed the blood for transmissible diseases and various female tests. And after clinic received all tests results I was offered to sign an agreement.
All these put me out of a certain suspense that I didn’t expect) I became pregnant just after the first IVF attempt! Both biological parents and I were extremely happy because of this fact. Not always it happens so that it is needed only one attempt. But in my case I was lucky and got pregnant immediately)) Monthly clinic placed money to my account in the frameworks of the contract we have signed. Moreover clinic paid all my travel expenses as I live in another city and traveled to clinic only during the last period. I received for free all necessary medicines and tests when I visited medical center to conduct follow-up examination. I carried pregnancy quite well and without any complications. My own parents and parents of my husband knew about surrogacy program I participated in. They were not 100% “in favor” as elderly people don’t entirely understand such methods. But at the same time they did not resist. Parents said they would support and help, if it should turn out to be necessary. And also they added – “It’s your life and your choice”. I am very grateful to them for such behavior and support! It was more difficult to explain own child the whole situation. We consulted a psychologist, and he helped us to explain this information in an appropriate and correct way to avoid traumatizing of child’s mentality.
I have found the bean in the cake concerning my family. All its members have understood me, helped and supported when it was physically and psychologically necessary. I have taken this step for their sake, and I do not regret it. During pregnancy period, I didn’t worry, because I knew for whom I was carrying a baby, his parents are very pleasant and kind people. I knew that this kid will live in a wonderful, loving family. After child’s birth, biological parents were so happy! There are no words to describe and it’s possible only to know it firsthand. Parents were with their newborn girl from the first day of her life. I practically did not see her and had any contacts with her. At first I was a little down, light post-natal depression and so on. But my lovely family and psychologist visit helped me to cope with these feelings. Now my husband has started to work again, our son attends school and karate lessons (it was his dream). And earned surrogacy money we spent on husband’s rehabilitation, flat renovation and support for our parents. The rest of the money we have deposited with a bank in order to receive a profit in future. As of the couple whom I carried a child they have a wonderful baby who has been growing healthy and happy. All of them are happy and I also don’t regret I have agreed to become surrogate mother.